Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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