but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
