and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
