please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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