i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
