Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
