just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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