May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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