My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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