can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
