If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
