1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need to calm my uterus...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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