i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
