As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
