FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
