i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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