I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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