I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
should my penis look like a turkey
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
