I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
