I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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