I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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