I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I smell like Dick and happiness
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
