i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
zippers are such a cool invention
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
