Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
