My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You're like the curious george of whores
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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