I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
