the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
