Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Randomize
