id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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