She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
