I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
