I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
