I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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