Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
