She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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