it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
no, he came in my armpit
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
