well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
