It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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