I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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