Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
