I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
