the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
