Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Randomize
