I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
