They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
