We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
