I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
