Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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