I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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