How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
