he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
birth control should be required to get into college
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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