I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
