I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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